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Archive for the ‘humor’ Category

Don’t Write Lame Facebook Status Updates

We are in the holiday season, so I wanted to write something lighthearted. Many of us spend too much time on Facebook. Yes, even us professionals get side tracked when we are doing client updates or actual work on Facebook.

We’ve all seen lame status updates, and of course, would never want to be guilty of writing one. Here are a few tips for not writing a lame Facebook status:

The next time you go to post a Facebook status, write it out and then ask yourself what you would think if you read that from a friend. You might even LOL at yourself 🙂

The next time you go to post that picture. Ask yourself why? Some people really need affirmation and they think it’s a secret… then they post a “hey guys, look at me and like my picture to make me feel good” photo. You know… you’ve seen them. If you still think you should post it, invite a few friends out for coffee, then pull the picture out and pass it around. Ask people to write their comments on the back of it, along with a plus or minus, you know a like or neutral. Sounds silly, doesn’t it?

Well this was done in fun, but hopefully it saves someone from private humiliation. What is private humiliation? It’s the comments your friends are making outside of Facebook, with each other. They sound like this:

Who does she think she is posting a picture like that?

Yeah, right… that outfit works for you…

Wait, is that the same guy from her last timeline photo?

The statuses I am most guilty of are the non status statuses. They look like this

I was going to post something, but I decided not to.

You would be amazed at how many people actually respond to that. And I don’t do it for a response, I do it because I have been known to be controversial on Facebook and that equals lots of time responding to comments, which I don’t always have.

That all for me, but do look for my next blog post “Why We Aren’t Friends on Facebook.” You can subscribe to my blog via email or RSS to get notified of updates.

How I Know That You Have Been Watching Porn Online

Today, I was looking at some statistics for a client and noticed a referring site that I was not familiar with. As a rule, I don’t click on URL’s if I don’t what the site is about… for many reasons. It reminded me of a time when I was looking at the stats for a company and I thought “why are so many sex related websites linking to a company that has nothing to so with the sex industry”; then I recalled how web analytics work.

Web analytics software typically credits the last website that someone visited as the referring site. For example, if someone did a Google search and ended up at your website, Google would be credited with that referral. In the same manner, if the last site you visited was a porn site and then you decided to go to your website, or check your webmail, then the porn site would get credit for referring the visitor.

Women, if you want to check on your husbands, ask if you can check the web analytics to see how the business is doing. I am laughing as I write this, not because pornography is a laughing matter, but because I am sure someone will do it. My wife does marriage counseling by the way.

Oh yeah, and my client… not a porn surfer… at least not on my watch.

Happy Holidays!

Unbelievable! Google has Offered to Purchase My New Company!

I knew things were going well, but when I got a call from Google less than a month after starting my new Internet marketing company I was ecstatic. After all, isn’t that a small business owners dream? I know it might seem odd they they would want to acquire another online marketing company, but it turns out, I do have some connections they they don’t and what better way for them to acquire them (sorry friends and clients for selling you out).

The terms haven’t been fully disclosed, but my response to the whole thing was “heck, if I can just put it in my bio that Google pursued me and bought my company… that’s worth it all.” Perhaps I spoke to soon? The other part of the deal had to do with me becoming a VP and a Director there… but I like the scorching heat of Phoenix as opposed to being close to the beach, so I just told them I appreciated the offer, but I would just work on another company for them to buy down the road. Perhaps they will be ready by next APRIL FOOLS DAY!

Meet Apple’s Newest Product Evangelist… ME!

Well, after a lifetime of PC usage I have to say I have had it with the blue screens, virus attacks against Microsoft, and overall downtime and frustration associated with them.

Today, my lovely laptop (just rebuilt last October) suffered another “fatal error”. I have had many of my Mac friends give me a hard time over the years, but for some lame reason, I just wanted to stick with the Dell product line. This is nothing against Dell, but I am just done with Microsoft.

Like all change, it will take some time to fully decide how to proceed with this rather large change in my world. Hopefully someone from Apple will take me up on my offer to be their newest product evangelist and contact me to discuss the new machine they are sending me. I know they don’t need more product evangelists, but others might attest I am good guy to have in your corner if you want to get your brand out there. Please don’t take that as giving myself accolades; marketing and branding is just what I do.

In closing, here is my letter to Microsoft:

Dear Microsoft, I am ending our relationship. I am sorry to do this through my blog, but Mac has been wooing me (or should I say WOW-ing me) for some time now… and I am finally giving in to a better way of life.

So Mac… I am waiting for your call. And I thank you in advance.

Can OSS Get You Fired?

I was chatting with Social Media guru Brian Reeder today and the term “Over-Social Syndrome” (OSS) came up. He coined the phrase and I coined the acronym – so we can share this to-be-trademarked Social Media term 🙂

OSS is the phenomenon that occurs when you spend much of your work day Digging, Stumbling, Sphinning, Mixxing, you know – doing Social Media Acrobatics. My wife often wonders how I come up with so many random websites and YouTube videos. She now even kids about Digging and Sphinning just because she hears me talking about it — but I can’t her to do it (would that be gaming?)

So here is my question? What part of your work day is consumed by OSS? (don’t worry it’s anonymous, so your boss will never know – unless they walk in while your taking the poll)

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